April 2020 - HALF-LIFE - Non Essential Guide for Men
Living Your Best Half-Life, The Good Half
Volume 1 from Half-Life Correspondent Steven Briggs
The Non-Essential Guide to Thriving During a Pandemic
(And How I learned to Stop Worrying and Love my hand Sanitizer.)
Does the world need yet another advisement to wash hands or keep our "social distance?" Surely you already know that sneezing in public is the 2020 equivalent of yelling "Allahu Akbar!" in an airplane. Or that offering to shake hands can get you charged with attempted murder in 13 states. And yet because our Half-Life members have questions, we have answers:
Member: Locked down at home with three kids using my chandelier as a merry-go-round, what do I do?
HL: Assuming you are not quarantined for actually having the illness, we recommend what we always do -- get outside. Take the kids on a hike, a bike ride, skateboarding, anything. The safest place from the virus is away from others, and that means the great outdoors. If they are still misbehaving, our Half-Life office building gutters need cleaning....
Member: I've run out of hand sanitizer. Now what?
HL: If you have kids at home, 1 word: soap. 20 seconds scrubbing like you did in college when your buddies saw you were asleep and took a magic marker to your face. If you do not have kids at home, we have a better word: liquor. Many hand sanitizers are made with alcohol as the active ingredient. So...one shot for me, on shot for my hands...But not just any liquor will do. You will need at least 120 proof to kill the little bastards. That means barrel strength bourbon or 151 rum.
Member: Boxers or briefs?
HL: What? Sounds like this member took our advice after running out of hand sanitizer.
Member: Is it too early to make jokes about Coronavirus?
HL: You already know our answer. With all the stress in our lives, these little bastards were the last thing we needed. But humor is a great coping mechanism so, laugh away. Just remember, there is a time and place for everything.
Member: Is it true that Corona beer has anti-viral properties that may help fight this disease?
HL: In the interest of science, excuse us while we go test this theory. We'll get back to you.
This month's HALF-LIFE studs of the month....Richard Aylen and Bernard Hensey. These knuckleheads decided to SUP around Mercer Island! Equipped with backpacks and a bloody mary stop, they got it done. Well done lads!
Binoculars That You Will Use
